Andrzej never doubted that he would be next. He had always known this before Fate had demanded that his loved ones submit to his destiny.
He first snapped a knife into his heart at the age of five. He wanted to kill himself, but at the moment he doesn’t remember why. He did not have the courage to do so. He returned to life with crying. Could he have felt what had to happen anyway? After all, all, the worst thing is yet to come, and in a few years’ time. Did he already know?
Initially, nothing betrayed the family’s fate. The only painful accent was that of his grandfather, who shot deadly while cleaning his official weapon (his grandfather was a policeman). At least that was the official interpretation of the family. However, another truth appeared in a narrow circle: my grandfather, under the influence of alcohol, shot himself in the heart. Andrew was too small to understand this dazzling truth, especially as suicidal thoughts were only sprouting in him.
Everything changed many years later when Andrzej’s uncle hanged on the fence, also under the influence of alcohol. At that time, thoughts about death – as Andrzej called suicide – held him firmly, like ivy embraced his whole life. Andrzej began to wonder: it is probably no coincidence that two members of his immediate family committed suicide, and now he himself is tarnished by such thoughts. He did not doubt for a moment that he would be next.
Where did Andrzej’s suicidal thoughts come from? The main source was the poor psyche, which could not cope with the stress of everyday life. What was usual difficulty for others, for Andrzej, was beyond measure. The same was probably true of his predecessors. All men in the family had a weak psyche in this respect and were drowning in alcohol. Under his influence, it was not difficult to go on the last trip anymore. Andrzej understood it very well. He understood this more quickly than the family fatum that had manifested itself and was about to manifest itself.
The full picture of the family fate was revealed only when Andrzej’s sister tried to commit suicide. She chose the method typical of women, namely tablets. The timely call of the ambulance and the rinsing of her stomach saved her life, even though she stayed in a coma for three days.
In discussions with family members it turned out then that it was not an isolated unsuccessful suicide attempt. His grandmother and her sister, Andrzej’s aunt, had a similar attempt. They all tried the same way: using tablets. Listening to their stories, Andrzej looked at them with contempt: they were the ones who failed, who could not bring the matter to a conclusion. But why should I be surprised if my grandmother told me that after a quarrel with her grandfather, tablets were taken and she went to him immediately, telling him: “Well, now you will have peace of mind. Grandfather was immediately weaving, found an empty pack of tablets and called the emergency service. For Andrzej it was not serious, it was amateurish. When he dies, nobody will know, nobody will stop him!
When Andrzej learned about his sister’s attempted suicide, the first thought that appeared in him was indignation: How daring it was to enter my soil! That is my role! At that time, he had not yet known that death was a broader subject in his family than the two who had succeeded.
When finally all cases of suicide death and such attempts, including those of members of the further family, came to light, it became clear that this was a much wider family problem than Andrzej had previously thought. Andrzej never thought about it as a fate, although he started calling it that way. For him, it is simply a nature, a damaged psyche, which is reproduced like a genetic disease from generation to generation. Some of them pass on such diseases in their genes, while others pass them on to each other. In Andrzej’s family, suicidal tendencies were just falling. It’s just a rim of the psyche.
Andrzej is a good actor, no one around him knows about his affliction and when the truth comes to light, many will be surprised. There are suicides among us. They pass through our lives, smile and leave. One of them is Andrzej. He has just smiled… He knows that he will be next…